A Dinner of Discoveries
by Jr4219
Summary: Soon after his mother is diagnosed with Alzheimer's, JJ and Morgan decide to try and talk to Spencer during an impromptu dinner at his place. Little did they know the conversation would lead to revelations about Spencer's childhood that they never expected.
1. Chapter 1

_Disclaimer: I do not own any of these wonderful characters!_

It had been almost two weeks since the team learned that Spencer's mom was showing signs of Alzheimer's. They knew how broken-hearted and worried he was. They could see it when they would catch him gazing out the window of the jet. Or when he looked up as if out of a dream after they had already called his name two or three times.

As turbulent as Spencer's relationship with his mom had been due to her being a paranoid schizophrenic, the love and devotion the genius had for his mom was unmistakable. It had been the two of them against the world for most of his childhood, his mom being the only true family he had. Watching the memories and recognition slowly fade away in his mom's mind couldn't be easy.

On top of that, Spencer had spent most of his life living in terror of his twenties, waiting for any tell-tale signs that his mind might be going down the same path as his mom's. As he made it past the typical age for schizophrenic breaks, the fear has slowly tucked its way further towards the back of his mind.

But now a new hereditary disease of the mind has entered his life. Whenever there was down time, they could him almost hear him running the statistics and probabilities in his head, figuring out what chance he had of dodging yet another mind-altering disease.

For almost two weeks they'd been listening to Spencer say, "I'm fine," to everyone, when they all knew that he wasn't. The team continued to try and convince him to go out for a drink, get something to eat, anything besides going to work and back home again, but they had no success.

One day, JJ and Morgan were by the coffee machine, trying to hide the fact that they were stealing glances at Spencer. "I don't know how to help him," JJ said, frustration clear in her voice. "He just won't talk about it."

Morgan shook his head while he stirred his coffee. "I know. It's always hard to get that kid to open up, but ever since I talked to him the night we found out about his mom, he's just closed up."

"I have to fight to get a smile out of him, and even then, I think it's just to appease me," JJ said. "His eyes just look so sad."

"JJ, he knows we're here for him," Morgan said.

"I know, but that doesn't mean he'll talk to us. I think he always feels like he's just a burden." JJ sighed and looked over at Spencer. "You know what, I have to do something. Have plans tonight?" she asked Morgan.

"Uh...I suppose Savannah might be able to handle one evening without her man," he replied with a smirk.

She started walking over to Spencer's desk with a determined stride. "Good, because we're going to put ourselves on Spencer's calendar tonight and I'm not taking no for an answer."

Morgan spun around and followed her lead. "Yes ma'am!"

For Spencer, the past few weeks had been emotionally exhausting. When he first went to visit his mom, he wasn't sure why the staff was having a harder time with her. They thought maybe her medications had to be adjusted, but what she had been taking had kept her at a fairly sane level for years. When he started spending some time with her during his stay, he did start noticing brief moments in her behavior that concerned him.

During one of his visits, she had left her book in the hallway. Books were her sanctuary, she revered books. Laying one down in the common area and walking away was unheard of for her. He picked it up and told her she had forgotten her book. She snatched it back, berating him for stealing other people's things. Though her behavior was a little out of character, he didn't dwell on it.

The most telling moment though, had been later in the week. Spencer arrived at the facility that morning, greeting his mom as he walked into her room. She was writing in her journal. When she looked at him, he saw emptiness in her eyes. It frightened him. He went to call her name again, but his voice stuck in his throat. He tried again. "Mom?" he said tentatively. He watched her eyes narrow at him, showing confusion on her face. He felt his stomach drop. She had no idea who he was.

Eventually she looked away and continued to write in her journal. Nervously, he moved closer to her and bent down to her level. "Mom?" This time when she looked up, it was as if she was looking at a different person than the one that was there a moment before. "Aw, Spencer, you came to see me!" she said with a smile on her face.

Of course there had been times when his mom was having an episode where she thought Spencer was someone else. But it was almost always because she believed he was someone playing a part of a conspiracy against her. This was different. Her look showed a complete lack of recall in her memory, like she had stepped into a deep hole and fallen in. And there had been no other signs of being in the midst of an episode.

After receiving his mom's official diagnosis of Alzheimer's, Spencer felt devastated. He wasn't ready to start watching his mom slip away. Her mind had already cheated them out of so much with the schizophrenia. And the Alzheimer's would steal what was left.

When he would visit his mom in the days that followed, he did his best to hide his emotion from his mom and the staff. Every time he looked at her, he fought off the lump climbing up his throat and the tears threatening to pour down his cheeks.

Thankfully when he returned to work, there was a new task at hand that immediately swept him up - freeing Garcia from her seclusion and continuous fear of the hit-men targeting her. He became consumed with one job in particular, cornering the hit-woman, Cat Adams. The whirlwind of research and planning, eventually leading up to his night out with Cat, was almost a relief providing hours upon hours of distraction.

The evening with Cat itself did not go as planned, though Spencer had learned over the years that encounters with serial killers rarely do follow normal protocols. However, of all the directions the conversation could have gone that night, he never thought it would end with him revealing his mom's newest ailment, not only to Cat, but to the team as well. It was something he honestly hadn't mentally prepared for, and he was more than a little disappointed in himself when he could hear the emotion in his voice as he allowed Cat to pull that information from him.

He definitely wasn't ready to share this personal information with his team. Spencer grew up handling things on his own. Despite being with the team for more than a decade now, he still found it difficult to talk about personal hurdles in his life.

Morgan had caught up with him after the case was over. As they talked a little, Spencer was surprised that he was able to keep it together enough to not completely break down into a sobbing mess before leaving. It did lift a little of the weight off his shoulders knowing the support of the team was there, as always, whenever he ever needed them.

In the days following, different members of the team had approached him, trying to draw him out. And he continued to thank them and decline their invitations. He knew they were trying to help, but he preferred his evenings alone where he could release his emotions without feeling that he was burdening his friends.

For the last two days, the team had let him be. Spencer thought they were finally getting the hint. He should have known that some of them don't give up that easily.


	2. Chapter 2

Spencer was finishing up on his pile of paperwork at his desk. Well, his along with a few files magically slipped in by his fellow teammates. He didn't mind the extra work, though, and always pretended that he didn't notice. Paperwork usually kept his mind from wandering to other things. Plus, he believed the members of his team had more important things to get home to than he did. Sometimes he felt like he did back in school, asking the teachers for extra work. Anything to keep his mind occupied, a distraction from his less than perfect world at home.

He was concentrating hard enough on his work that he was startled when JJ and Morgan suddenly sidled up next to his desk. A second ago they were by the coffee pot glancing his way, which despite their attempts at hiding it, did not go unnoticed by Spencer.

"What's up?" Spencer asked nervously.

"What do you have going on tonight?" JJ asked.

"Uh, well..." Spencer's stuttered, looking down at his feet as if he would get the answer there.

"Great!" said JJ. "It's been too long since we hung out together. Morgan and I were thinking we would bring over some pizza to your house tonight!"

"Thanks, JJ, but..." Spencer started.

"Perfect. We'll be over at 7," she said as she walked away. Spencer shot Morgan a desperate look.

"Sorry, kid," Morgan said as he ruffled Spencer's hair. "I realized a long time ago never to mess with a woman's plans for a night out." Morgan went to gather his things, giving Spencer a smile and a wave as he left. "See you tonight!"

'Great,' Spencer thought, looking down at his watch. He had less than an hour and a half to prepare his own little fortress of solitude for guests. He moved his paperwork into a pile on his desk, grabbed his bag and headed out the door.

By the time he got home, he had about an hour left. Normally, Spencer was fairly neat, but he admitted at the moment the small apartment mirrored his current state of mind - scattered and dark. Random books were left on out on the tables, fast food containers lined the counters and clothes were on the floor or thrown on the furniture. Looking around, Spencer started to feel overwhelmed with everything again. All he wanted to do was go to bed. 'No,' he thought, shaking his head. 'I have to keep it together tonight and straighten this place up as best I can. Worst thing about profilers - one glance at this disaster and they'll have me carted off to the shrink.'

The hour quickly went by, but Spencer managed to make the place look presentable. He shut the door to his bedroom where he had hidden away most of his mess, praying they wouldn't peek in there. Just as he was finishing tossing his garbage off the counters, there was a knock on the door. 'You can do this,' he said to himself. 'Just try and act content for the next hour or two, smile, then maybe they'll feel like they helped and leave it alone for a while.' He crossed his fingers and opened the door.

... 

Morgan pulled up in front of JJ's and texted her that he was outside. I bet the kid is cursing us right now, he thought with a small smile while he waited. JJ ran up to the car with a bag in her arms and got in. As he was pulling away from the curb, JJ asked, "So where did you order the pizza from?"

"Me?" Morgan asked. "I thought you were ordering it?"

"Before we left, I asked if you would get it and I'd bring the drinks. And you said yes!" 'Never ask a man to do anything,' she thought with a sigh.

"Right, you did. Sorry, I got home and Savannah had me a little distracted," he said with a sly smile. JJ rolled her eyes.

"Lord knows it doesn't take much to get you distracted," JJ replied with a small laugh. "You know what, let's just stop at the grocery store and pick up a couple frozen pizzas. It will only take a minute."

"Works for me."

After stopping in at the store, they headed over to Spencer's. By this time, JJ was starting to second guess her decision to force dinner on Spencer. "Was I being too imposing? Do you think he'll be mad at me for doing this to him?" she asked Morgan as they headed up the stairs.

"Nah," Morgan said then paused. "Ok, well, maybe a little. But he'll get over it. He knows your heart is in the right place. And he needs this. He may not think so, but he does."

JJ hesitated a second then knocked on the door, putting on her happy face. Spencer opened the door with a less than enthusiastic smile and greeting, letting them in.

JJ and Morgan made a beeline to the kitchen with their dinner in hand as Spencer dragged himself behind them. JJ started pulling items out of the bags and lining them up on the counter.

"Well, Morgan was SUPPOSED to order some pizza, but apparently that was a little too much to handle," JJ joked, winking at Morgan. "So, we got frozen pizza instead. And of course, I brought some drinks!" she said as she displayed the beer and wine that she had brought. "Who's ready?"

"I'll definitely take one," Morgan said.

Spencer grabbed a beer, too. "Thanks for bringing all of this over," Spencer said and started looking for instructions on the pizza boxes with a slight frown. Morgan grabbed the box and said, "Here, we just need to preheat the oven to 350."

"It doesn't have microwave instructions?" Spencer asked, sounding nervous.

"What? You can't microwave pizza!" Morgan started turning the knobs on the oven, but no lights were coming on. "Does this thing work?" Morgan opened the oven door to see if it had started heating up.

"Uh...no, not really," Spencer said apprehensively.

"What's wrong with it?" Morgan said, checking out the stove. "Maybe it's something I can fix."

"Ah, actually...I think it's the gas...it might be turned off," Spencer stammered, reaching around Morgan and shutting the oven door. Morgan turned and gave him a curious look.

"You know what?" Spencer said, brightening. "I think someone gave me a pizza cooker once." He started rummaging through the cabinets.

"Oh yeah, that someone was me ... like four years ago," JJ said, giving him a look. Spencer ran out of the room to check the closet. Soon he came back with the cooker still in the box. "Well, I'm glad you've been using it," said JJ with a smile.

Spencer gave her a sheepish look as he opened the box and started taking everything out.

"Haven't you ever used the oven or the stove here?" JJ asked.

Spencer looked down nervously and he moved things around on the counters. "No, I just use the microwave. Or have sandwiches, cereal. You don't have to cook those. I'm fine without it. And usually we're so busy I just pick up something on the way home."

"That's why you're so skinny," Morgan said. "So, in the ten years you've lived here, you never used the oven? Was it turned off when you moved in?" he asked incredulously.

He started unraveling the cord to the cooker and went to plug it in. Morgan looked at Spencer as he noticed the safety covers pushed into both outlets. "Really?" he said, shaking his head and pulling the cover out of one of the outlets. He plugged in the cooker.

Spencer just looked uncomfortable as he finished setting it up. This night was starting out worse than he thought it would.

"Alright, alright," JJ said holding her hands up. She could tell Spencer was starting to get agitated. "We have the cooker, that will work just fine. Who wants to play some cards while the pizzas bake?" she asked with a smile pulling a deck of cards from her purse.

After they got the first pizza going, the three sat down at his kitchen table to have their drinks and play cards. JJ knew card games would loosen him up a bit. And he'd have fun beating them, like he always did. Morgan and JJ both tried to keep the conversation light.

As for Spencer, he played along, and tried to relax. He just had to keep the discussion away from any sensitive topics, especially about his mom. Unfortunately, with the way the evening would go, that wasn't going to last long.


	3. Chapter 3

Once the timer went off, Morgan said, "I got it," and stood up to get the first pizza. "Do you have an oven mitt around here? And a spatula or something?" he asked Spencer.

"Uh...I don't know...," Spencer stammered as he got up to look. He moved around the small kitchen, opening and closing drawers.

"Ok, how about a knife?" Morgan asked. Spencer grabbed one and handed it to Morgan. "A butter knife?" Morgan asked, giving Spencer a look. He grabbed a towel to remove the tray from the cooker and used the knife to slide the pizza onto a plate. They put the second pizza on to cook and set the timer.

"So, I'm going to go out on a limb and assume you don't have a pizza cutter. Do you at least have a real knife that I can cut these with?" Morgan asked, holding up the butter knife.

"That is a real knife," Spencer said defensively.

"How do you cut pizza with a butter knife?" Morgan inquired.

"You can cut anything with a butter knife. You just have to press hard," Spencer explained, sounding somewhat agitated. He was already anxious having them in his apartment with everything else going on, and the conversation was starting to make him irritable. "Did you know that King Louis XIV banned the use of pointed dinner knives to discourage stabbing and tooth-picking at the dinner table, which eventually lead to the use of the modern butter knife?"

"Guess I won't be picking my teeth at dinner, then," Morgan said and handed him the knife.

Spencer began cutting the pizza as Morgan watched him with a slight smile. JJ started getting out some plates, quietly observing the two friends in case she had to intervene.

"Alright kid, what's with the childproof kitchen?" Morgan teased.

"What do you mean?" Spencer asked, keeping his eyes down on his work. He had gotten used to Morgan's teasing over the years, and Spencer knew he wasn't doing it to be mean. But sometimes the little jabs had much more of an impact on him than Morgan intended, especially if it touched a nerve about something he was already sensitive about.

"Gas on the oven turned off? No sharp knives? Outlet covers? I feel like we're in a daycare center!" Morgan continued to tease.

"Fine, Morgan. Do you really want to know?" Morgan jumped a little as Spencer slammed the knife down and turned towards him, his voice rising. "It's the way I was brought up, ok? When you're 12 and you wake up to the smoke alarm and your mom is burning papers on the stove, letting them fall on the ground - still on fire! - telling you we need to burn everything before THEY find it. After that, you make sure the stove can't be turned on again." Morgan and JJ listened in stunned silence, hearing the frustration rise in his voice as he continued. "Or when you come home one day and get attacked by your mom with a knife thinking you're a government spy."

Spencer lifted up the side of his shirt. "This is why I threw out anything sharp I could find in the house." Morgan shook his head and looked away sadly when he saw the light scar that ran across Spencer's thin stomach. "You're right, Morgan. My place is like a daycare center, just like when I lived at home with my crazy mom." He dropped the corner of his shirt.

"Do you really want to know why it's like that? I keep thinking...what if that became me? What would I do if I had a schizophrenic break? What if I thought a neighbor was out to get me and I attacked them with a knife like some of the unsubs we deal with? Or maybe I get early on-set Alzheimer's and leave the stove on and set the building on fire? What if someone died because of me? I can't take that chance." Tears started to come into JJ's eyes as Spencer voiced his biggest fears.

Spencer paused as he looked at JJ, guilt replacing the anger as he caught JJ's tear-filled eyes. He lowered his head, embarrassed, and ashamed at causing JJ any sadness. 'I can't believe I just told them that!' Spencer thought, in shock over what he had just revealed. "I'm so sorry, I don't know what came over me," he said, wrapping his arms around his stomach, keeping his eyes down towards his feet.

"It's ok, Spence," JJ said gently. She walked over to Spencer and wrapper her arm around his back, leaning her head on his shoulder.

"I'm sorry too, kid," Morgan said. "I was just messing with you. I didn't mean to push you too much."

He had never shown anyone his scar before, or told anyone about his mom lighting papers on fire. What was wrong with him? He was starting to feel a little panicked about exposing something so personal. He wished they would just go, though he knew after that little outburst, that wish likely wouldn't happen anytime soon. The anxiety of everything was putting him on edge, and he really didn't want to break down in front of them... or lash out again. With a shy smile of thanks at JJ, he slid out of her arm and slumped down in a chair, putting his head in his hands, suddenly feeling completely exhausted. JJ and Morgan sat down with him.

"You know you're past the age when schizophrenic breaks usually happen," Morgan said quietly.

"I know," Spencer said, not looking up. "It doesn't mean it still can't happen. And now..." He sighed.

"And now there's something else to fear," JJ finished for him.

"Yes," Spencer said, his voice barely a whisper.

"Reid, even if, God forbid, you did end up showing signs of Alzheimer's, that's still decades away," Morgan said.

"It might not be. Early on-set Alzheimer's can happen in your forties, sometimes in your thirties," Spencer said with a slight shakiness to his voice.

Morgan shook his head. "You can't live your life like that, kid, always in fear of what could happen. I know that genius brain of yours can't help but think 24/7, but you have to stop always thinking the worst is going to happen."

"It's just...I spent my life watching my mom dealing with her mental issues. I've seen her so bogged down in depression that I didn't think she'd be able to come back up. I've seen her paralyzed by fear." Spencer paused. "And I know what it's like to be a witness to that. Always having to make sure she's eating, drinking, taking her meds, getting out of bed...making sure she doesn't do anything to hurt herself. " He sighed. "I don't want to become that burden."

JJ thought about what it must have been like to grow up like Spencer, having to take the role of caregiver when he was just a child. She had thought about what he had gone through before with his mom, but never really about all the little things that he had to deal with. She couldn't imagine the responsibility he had of caring for someone with the mental issues that his mom had. Issues normally dealt with by doctors and nurses having years of training and experience with handling their episodes. How could a child, genius or not, care for a grown adult with the paranoid delusions like his mom had. And take care of himself, too! She started to get curious.


	4. Chapter 4

"I don't know how you dealt with it all by yourself. Was your mom able to do some of the things at home, like go to the grocery store, do the laundry, make dinner?" JJ asked.

"For the first year after my dad left she still did quite a bit." He paused as he reflected back to those years. "I think it hit my mom really hard, too - him leaving - and it slowly added to her paranoia and depression. Eventually it got really difficult to get her to leave the house, or even out of bed sometimes..." Spencer's voice trailed off. He was starting to get self-conscious. Talking about himself and his life was not something he was very comfortable with. He blamed his exhaustion and the beer for allowing so much to leave his mouth before his brain had time to stop it.

The second timer went off and Morgan got up to grab the other pizza.

"Did you take care of everything around the house after that?" JJ asked.

"Oh no, no," Spencer started to explain, waving his hands back and forth. He didn't want to make her sound like a bad mother. "I mean...she tried her best to do what she could. She really did! Like when I was younger, she'd make sandwiches for dinner when she was doing ok or put in a load of laundry, wash some dishes." Spencer looked at Morgan as he set down a few slices of pizza in front of him. "Thanks."

The three friends sat quietly eating their dinner. JJ and Morgan waited to see if Spencer was going to say any more on his own. They were both a little surprised when he continued. "I guess I just slowly started taking things over. Like after my mom got too paranoid to leave the house, I would walk to the store to pick up groceries. It wasn't too far away. Eventually I became in charge of dinner. My dinners were a far cry from Rossi's cooking," Spencer said with a slight smile. JJ and Morgan smiled, too. "We had a waffle maker that I got pretty good at using. Other than that, it was mostly sandwiches or something canned that I heated up in the microwave."

"Didn't your mom ever try the stove again?" Morgan asked.

"I always told her it was broke after I turned everything off," Spencer said with a small smile. "I knew she was too paranoid at that point to let a stranger into the house to fix it."

The more Spencer talked, the more questions JJ had. He was so young when he had to start worrying about these things. There were so many little things that adults had to think about - home repairs, meals, cleaning...bills. She never thought about how they survived financially. "What did you two do about money? Was your mom on disability?" JJ asked.

He winced slightly and cleared his throat, shifting a little in his seat. "No, she never applied after she was released from her teaching position, but we got by," Spencer said, leaving it at that. He was feeling uneasy about where the conversation was headed and he could feel his heart thumping in his chest.

Morgan leaned forward. "Did your dad pay any kind of child support?" He knew it might be a sensitive topic, but he decided to ask it anyways. This was the most he had ever heard the kid talk about his childhood.

Spencer gave a short, bitter laugh. "God no. When he left, that was the end of his contributions to me or my mother - financial or any other way." Again, he didn't go into any more detail about their finances. Morgan and JJ noticed his heel had started tapping on the floor and he was picking at his food. "Did you know there are currently 13.4 million custodial single parents living in the U.S. and 48.7% have some type of legal or informal child support agreement in place? Unfortunately, $32.9 billion dollars in child support was still owed last year, of which only 68.5% was actually received. That's an average of $3,950 per year," he rattled off.

JJ spoke up again, "So what did you two survive on, then?"

Spencer didn't reply right away. He seemed to be contemplating something. A couple times they thought he was about to speak, then stopped himself. Suddenly he looked up with a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes.

"I've told you all how I've been banned from the Vegas casinos, right?" They both nodded slightly. "When I was 17 I got a fake ID and snuck into a casino for the first time," he said sheepishly. "I had started reading up on gambling - what games had the best odds, how casinos functioned. For the first few times, I just checked the casinos out, played a few slots and figured out how things worked. Watching the poker games, I started to get a feel for how to tell if someone was bluffing by reading their micro-expressions and discovering their tells. And I had read up on counting cards, too. When I observed the black jack games, I played along in my head, seeing how well I could play the odds. Eventually I got up the nerve to play a few hands and did pretty well. I started getting more confident every time I played. Maybe a little too confident," he said with a small smile.

JJ and Morgan just sat back and listened as Spencer rambled through his tale, words quickly flowing out of his mouth.

"One night I was winning quite a bit at a casino on the strip and apparently caught the attention of security. After a really good hand, they asked if I could come with them. They questioned my age so I showed them my ID, but they figured out it was fake. So that was my last time at that casino," he said. "After that, I jumped around to different casinos, trying to only play a little bit at each so not to get on their radar. By the time I was 18, though, I had pretty much been banned from all of them," he said with a guilty grin. "I had saved up quite a bit by then, though. And after I was 18, I was able to get some work as a teacher's aide and had enough to get my mom into Bennington's."

Morgan shook his head and smiled, picturing a teenage Spencer Reid taking on Vegas gamblers - and winning. "There has to be more than 100 casinos in Las Vegas, how can you get banned from all of them?"

"Actually, there are more than 150 casinos. Did you know the number of licensed gambling places in Las Vegas is 1,701 and the average gambler's budget is $580.90? With all the revenue generated by gambling, that industry brings in more revenue than movies, sports, theme parks, cruise ships and recorded music combined," Spencer pointed out.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Morgan said, shaking his head.

JJ just smiled softly. She'd known Spencer long enough to believe that there was something else, something he was holding back. She could still see his nervousness was there. His story about the casinos told part of the story, and she suspected that he hoped they would take that answer and drop the subject. She thought about doing that, but decided to continue to push for the whole truth.

"Alright, so that explains it when you were older, what did you two do in the first few years without your father?" JJ asked, leaning forward and crossing her arms on the table.

A pained expression crossed Spencer's face for a second, but he quickly composed himself. "My mom still worked some at the beginning. After that money ran out, we got by doing things here and there. It wasn't always easy, but we survived," Spencer said, nervously toying with the pizza on his plate and avoiding their eyes.

"Spence, I can tell you're keeping something from us. You can talk to us," JJ said.

This darkest part of his life was what he kept buried the deepest, determined it would never see the light of day. He had spent his life trying to block it from his mind. But now, being reminded of that time in his childhood again, he could feel his heart racing. And the more he contemplated the team learning about it, the more he felt like a vice was squeezing his chest, making it hard to breathe. With all the stress with his mom he'd been going through, bringing up all those memories and feelings was just becoming too much.

Morgan started to get a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach, noticing the signs of panic growing in his friend. He leaned towards Spencer. "Kid, you know you can tell us anything. We won't judge you."

Spencer's hands started to sweat and his heel tapped frantically on the floor as memories started coming back. He tried to ignore them and think random facts and figures, but couldn't control it.

JJ and Morgan glanced at each other, both growing more concerned. JJ moved to crouch next to his chair and rubbed her hand on his back. "It's ok. Take some deep breaths," she said as she tried this herself, hoping listening to her breaths would give him something to focus on. She could feel him shaking beneath her hand with his every inhale.

"I have to use the bathroom," Spencer mumbled as he quickly stood up and took off out of the room.

...

In the kitchen, JJ started to move towards the bathroom, but Morgan grabbed her arm.

"Hey, I think we need to give him some time," Morgan said quietly.

"I can't just leave him alone like that! I had hoped this evening would end with him feeling better, but I think I may have made it worse. You saw how he was! He looked ready to have a breakdown," JJ said. She sighed and closed her eyes for a moment as she remembered something. "It reminds me of the way he was after Maeve."

Morgan shook his head, memories of Spencer's reaction in the warehouse when Maeve had been shot danced through his mind. The pain on the kid's face was something he hoped to never see again.

"Look, I don't know about you, but I heard a hell of a lot more come out of that kid's mouth about his past tonight than I ever knew in the decade that I've known him. For him, that's a big deal! And I'm getting the feeling that there's a lot more he keeps buried in there. Plus, with everything he's going through with his mom...I just think if we keep on him to give up too much before he's ready, we'll push him too far. And we've seen what could happen before, JJ."

"Are you talking about drugs?" JJ asked, stunned. "He would never go back to that!"

"I'm hoping he wouldn't either, but JJ remember what he said after everything happened with Emily?" Morgan asked.

JJ sighed. "Yes, how could I forget?"

"And I know what it's like to want to keep some things to yourself," Morgan said. He shook his head, remembering how he pleaded to not have to talk about his own buried past - Carl Buford. He remembered that feeling of terror at the thought of his team finding out his secrets, revealing his shame, and thinking that they would never look at him the same way again. "I know how much harm it can do to keep secrets inside, but I also know how hard it is to let someone in. And the kid's been through so much in his life. I just don't want to push him into anything he's not ready for."

JJ looked at him with tears in her eyes.

"I think we should tell him we're here anytime he needs us, but we need to wait for him to be ready," Morgan said.

"You're right, I'm just scared for him, Morgan. He seems so on edge."

"I understand. You know what, let's make a pact. We'll both keep an eye on him, and if either one of us thinks he's in trouble, we'll drop everything and come talk to him," Morgan suggested.

JJ gave Morgan a small smile, holding out her hand. "Deal," she said.

Morgan reached out and shook her hand pulling her into a quick hug. "Now let's go check on our boy."

...

As soon as Spencer shut the bathroom door, he slid down against it and tried to get his breathing back under control.

'How did I let the conversation get away from me like that!' he thought. 'I know they could tell there are things I'm keeping from them. Not only that, but I almost had a full-blown panic attack in front of them! They'll never just let it go, now.'

He knew his friends meant well, but at this moment in his life, spilling all his childhood traumas for the first time in his life was just not something he could handle. Over the years, he had already revealed so much about himself to his team members, much more than he had ever wanted to. Tonight certainly hadn't helped. And he felt that each revelation made him appear weaker in the eyes of his team. He feared being treated like a china doll - fragile and easily broken.

Slowly he could feel the panic subside a little. He closed his eyes and tried to think of any way he could to convince them that he was fine and it was best that they go on home.

...

JJ stood looking at the bathroom door for a few moments until Morgan gave her an encouraging nod. She took a deep breath and gently tapped on the door.

"Spence? Hey...I just wanted to say how sorry I am that I pushed you so much," JJ said softly. "I didn't mean to get you upset. Are you alright?"

It was quiet for a moment, but then they heard movement on the other side of the door. The lock clicked and slowly crept open, revealing a very worn out-looking Spencer Reid.

"I'll be fine, JJ," Spencer said, avoiding their eyes. "I'm sorry I left you guys out there. I just haven't been sleeping well with everything going on, and I wasn't feeling very well."

JJ and Morgan exchanged a glance. "Hey, how about we try another round of cards? With nothing besides a little fun conversation...and maybe a little trash talking," Morgan said, nudging Spencer a little on his arm.

Spencer weighed his options in his head. Though collapsing on his bed in a pathetic mess was the most desirable option, he decided that allowing them this chance to 'make it up to him' might be the best way to keep them off his case longer.

"Alright, but if you just want to play again because you think I'm too tired and you might beat me, you're sorely mistaken," Spencer said, hoping to help lighten the mood.


	5. Chapter 5

The week that followed their dinner had been an another draining one for Spencer, though he did his best to keep it from showing. Nightmares that had been kept at bay for years suddenly started creeping back into his nightly slumber. His anxiety skyrocketed, making him startle at every noise or touch. And most troubling to Spencer, the familiar cravings that he had fought so hard to overcome were slowly seeping through his veins again.

Morgan and JJ had both given him space, though he did notice one or the other was almost always within eyesight. They kept conversations light and joked with him, but he didn't miss the concerned glances they would send his way.

Soon the team was called into another case. Three women were found headless at different public locations in Boston, just a few days apart. The unsub was using a ride-sharing app to pick up his prey, then using a guillotine to behead the victims. In the perpetrator's mind, he was righting wrongs, punishing those he believed had sinned.

The team discovered the unsub had been corporeally punished for wrongdoings as a young child by his principal, a man later accused of sexually assaulting little girls. The principal had committed suicide, never being sentenced for his crimes, triggering the unsub's rage at the injustice.

Keeping busy on the case had been a welcome distraction, but sitting in the back corner of the jet coming home, Spencer couldn't stop running through the case in his head. How many times with the subjects of their investigations, had they traced the roots of their violence to abuse in their childhoods? His mind raced with the statistics.

Of course, none of this was new to Spencer. He had been studying psychology since he was 12. He had witnessed first-hand how an abusive childhood can break the mind when he was at the mercy of Tobias and his alter-personalities. Heck, Hotch had even called Spencer out once for allowing his identifying with Owen Savage's past of being bullied as a child cloud his judgement when he stood between Owen and the local police.

But since his talk with JJ and Morgan, his hyperactive emotions were causing his usual survival system of looking at life through the lens of logic and statistics to go offline. Part of his wall had been torn down, leaving less to block his mind from drawing the parallels between his childhood and those of the monsters they'd caught, blurring the lines between victim and criminal.

That familiar longing for escape started growing stronger the more overwhelmed he felt. Spencer rested his head against the cool glass as his hands began to sweat and shake. He had been clean for so long. He could never survive the guilt if he went back to that. And he'd be risking his job, his friendships...his life! He closed his eyes, feeling a tear run down his cheek that he quickly wiped away.

Soon the plane began its descent, bringing the profilers back home. As the plane landed, Spencer's mind was racing. 'I can't do this anymore,' he thought. The cravings were so strong, but he just couldn't help think of everything he'd lose if he gave in. As he gathered his bags and followed the team off the plane, he made a decision.

Morgan and JJ were walking to their cars when they heard quick footsteps catching up to them. Spencer stopped just behind them with a soft, "Hey."

"What's up, kid?" Morgan asked curiously as they faced Spencer.

All it took was the moment for them to turn around for all the self-doubt to pour back into Spencer's system. 'I'm not worth their time. They have more important people in their lives to get back to. I'm keeping them from their loved ones. They'll be angry and disappointed in me if I admit to them that I'm craving again. They won't trust me anymore.' All those thoughts and more ran through his head in that second, and he faltered.

He opened his mouth, but nothing came out. "I, uh, I," he stammered. He swallowed hard and sighed. "Have a good night and drive safe," he said, turning away from them.

"Spencer!" JJ called out after him.

Spencer voice rang back to them, "I'll call you tomorrow!" he said as he made his way off the tarmac.

Morgan and JJ shared a concerned look when JJ's phone suddenly rang. "It's Will," she said, answering the call and continuing to the parking lot. "Hey honey! Yes, we just landed, I should be home in about 30 minutes..."

After watching Spencer for another moment walking quickly away, Morgan shook his head and turned towards his car.

...

It wasn't long until Spencer arrived home. He was shaking so bad, he fumbled with his keys, taking multiple attempts to unlock his door before he was successful. Once inside, he tossed his bags down in frustration and collapsed down on the couch, putting his head in his hands. He sat there for some time, rocking in his seat. He breathed deeply, trying to talk himself through a battle he was clearly losing. "Don't do it, you don't need it," he mumbled to himself.

Finally, with tears in his eyes, he pulled out his phone, hit a few buttons and placed it on the coffee table in front of him. 'Am I really going to make that call?' he thought, staring longingly at the number of the dealer he used in the past glowing on his phone.

...

Fifteen minutes into his drive home, Morgan's agitation was building. He was exhausted and he really wanted to go home, see Savannah and head to bed. But something wasn't right about Spencer. He just had this bad feeling in his stomach, begging him to check on his friend.

"Damn it," Morgan said to himself and he grabbed his phone and punched in a number.

"Hey Morgan," JJ answered the call. "Before you say anything, I just called Will to tell him I really think I need to go talk to Spencer, and then turned my car around. You were calling me as I was about to dial your number!"

"Music to my ears, darling," Morgan said in relief. He was glad to have someone else confirm his concern, but it also worried him. "I should be at his place in about 10 minutes."

"I won't be far behind," JJ said. "I'll meet you outside."

...

Both JJ and Morgan looked nervous as they climbed out of their cars. "Ready for this?" JJ asked.

"As ready as I'm gonna be," Morgan replied.

They climbed the stairs to his apartment and looked apprehensively at his door. Morgan reached forward and knocked. After a short pause hearing nothing, he knocked again. "Reid? It's Morgan and JJ."

Thankfully soon after, they heard the lock click and the door slowly swung open. The look on Spencer's pale face was a mixture of exhaustion, guilt and relief. His red eyes and tear-stained cheeks helped them know they made the right decision.

Spencer glanced down at his feet, having a hard time facing them with what he was contemplating doing moments before. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly, thinking, 'The first step to recovery...' Spencer looked up at Morgan.

"Take this," Spencer said, handing his phone to him. "I was close to making a call to someone that I haven't called in a long time. I don't want to go down that road again." He swallowed hard. "Thank you both for coming," he said, voice cracking.

JJ swept in to take him into a hug. "Anytime," she said, feeling sobs starting to rack through Spencer's body as he held on to her. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," he cried as JJ quietly tried to console him.


	6. Chapter 6

Morgan quietly made his way into the kitchen, giving the other two a minute and grabbing some water for Spencer.

Slowly, Spencer began to calm down. His sobs diminished, though tears still fell down his cheeks. JJ released him from the hug and led him over to the couch. Spencer sat down, curling up in the corner while JJ settled in close by. Morgan returned from the kitchen, setting the water in front of Spencer and then grabbed the chair across from them.

Spencer shook his head, disgusted with himself for allowing his friends to find him in this state. To some extent, the team all knew about his battles with Dilaudid, but he had fought his addiction mostly in private, only venturing out to a Beltway Clean Cops meeting when the cravings became too strong. None of them had been witness to him hitting rock bottom as he fought his inner demons, dangling the forbidden fruit of escape in front of his tired eyes.

Morgan could see how uneasy Spencer was - sitting cross-legged on the couch, keeping his head down to avoid their eyes, hands playing nervously in his lap. "Reid," Morgan started. Seeing no reaction from his friend, he tried a different approach. "Spencer," he said softly, using his first name to let the kid know he needed his attention. And it worked. Spencer raised his head, though he still had a hard time keeping his eye.

"I am so proud of you right now," Morgan said, emphasizing each word. Spencer looked confused, then shook his head and looked back down.

"Hey, I'm serious. You could have used tonight, but you didn't."

Spencer let out a short, bitter laugh. "The only reason I didn't use was because you got here before I could."

"When we got here, you had a choice - to wait until you got rid of us to call your dealer and shoot up," Morgan stated, noticing Spencer wince at his bluntness, "or to tell us what you were thinking about doing so we could help you. You decided to be strong and made the choice not to use! Even though it meant having to admit to us what you were about to do. And knowing you, that was one of the hardest things you've ever done."

"But if you hadn't come, I would have," Spencer said quietly.

"You can't focus on what if's, kid. Maybe you would have, maybe not. Look, you're not the only one who has needed people in their life to give them the support and strength they needed to make the right decisions."

Spencer sighed. "I'm just so tired, I don't know if I can keep fighting it."

JJ looked over sadly at him. "Everyone has a breaking point, Spence. And with all the battles you've had to overcome in your life, no one would think less of you for being at that point," she said. "You know, it's not a character flaw to need help sometimes. And you wouldn't bat an eye if we asked you for help."

"I know," Spencer said. "And I trust you both with my life. It's just that I've always handled everything on my own, so it's hard to...I don't know, I guess...put my burdens on someone else."

"You're not a burden to us and you never will be. Let us be there for you. That's what friends are for," JJ told him. "I can start singing the friends song from Henry's favorite show if that will help explain the meaning of friendship to you," she said playfully.

"Please, no," he said.

"I'm with Reid on that one," Morgan added with a slight smile. JJ glared playfully at them.

The friends enjoyed a few moments of quiet together before JJ spoke up again. "Maybe you should get some sleep. We can stay here with you tonight."

"I can't," Spencer said.

"You can't what?" Morgan asked.

"I can't sleep! I can't relax, I can't concentrate, I can't eat," he said, becoming more agitated with every word. "For the last couple of weeks I've had dreams that wake me up all night - about my mom, about... everything - and they keep getting worse. I jump at every little sound and every touch. I can't concentrate on my work. I can't eat without feeling sick, just thinking about him..," he suddenly stopped short, his eyes quickly darting up, then dropping back down again. "Just thinking about everything," he finished quietly.

"Spence," JJ said. Without thinking, she went to rest her hand on his. As soon as she touched him, he flinched. She went to pull her hand away, but was surprised when he reached out to grasp it tightly in both of his. She could feel how shaky he was, almost like a vibration.

"I can't keep up like this, and I think," he swallowed hard and took a deep breath. "I think I need to tell you about something, something I've never told anyone." They could now hear the shake in his voice. "I can't keep hiding it away in my mind anymore."

JJ and Morgan quietly waited for him to continue, afraid to make a sound that might cause him to close up again. But after a few moments of watching Spencer looking like he was about to talk and then stopping again, Morgan decided he needed a little push.

"Reid, I know what it's like to keep secrets." He sighed, remembering how he pleaded to not have to tell his story. He remembered that feeling of terror at the thought of his team finding out, revealing his shame, and thinking that they would never look at him the same way again. "I hate to admit it, but I'm glad I finally had to tell my story. I wish it didn't have to come out the way it did, but I can't change that." Spencer was looking at him sympathetically, drinking in every word. "I never realized the weight that secret had on me until I finally told someone," Morgan continued. "I almost felt like I'd been holding my breath for all that time, so scared someone would find out. And once I talked about it, I could finally breathe again."

Spencer gave Morgan a small nod, letting him know he appreciated what he said. He knew how hard it had been on Morgan to talk to the team about what Buford had done to him. Spencer took a deep breath and let his friend's bravery give him the strength to tell his story.


	7. Chapter 7

With a glance and a hint of a smile at JJ, Spencer slipped his hands out of hers. He took a few sips of the water Morgan had brought him and set it back on the table. He looked down, his eyes focused on his hand that played absently with the watch on his arm.

"When I was seven, my dad took mom to go see a psychiatrist - Dr. Bradley," he quietly began his story. "That was when she was officially diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic and he started her on medication. Every two months she was scheduled to go to his office. She was still seeing him when my dad left. At first, I was able to get her over there to see him by myself. When they would ask about my father, I would just say he had dropped us off and would be back soon to pick us up. But by the time I was twelve, I couldn't get her to leave the house to go to the doctor. They extended her prescription a couple of times, but eventually refused to refill it without seeing her."

Morgan and JJ sat silently, listening to every word.

"One day, I came home from school and heard talking in the kitchen. I was surprised to recognize Dr. Bradley's voice. He was talking quietly, joking with her in a way that sounded...almost flirtatious," Spencer continued, a look of disgust crossing his face. "They both greeted me with smiles when I finally entered the kitchen, then Dr. Bradley suggested my mom take the medication he had for her. I didn't see what it was, but she took it without question. I stood in the corner of the kitchen cabinets while they continued to talk."

"Not long after I could tell my mom was getting sleepy and seemed to have trouble keeping her eyes open. I asked what he had given her, but he said she was fine, it was just something to help her relax. He suggested I help her to her room to lay down, so I did. She was asleep almost as soon as her head hit the pillow."

"I was nervous to leave her alone, but I went back out into the kitchen. Dr. Bradley was still at the table. He said he wanted to talk to me and asked me to sit next to him." Spencer paused, biting the corner of his lip.

"He mentioned that he hadn't seen my father in quite some time and had started to worry about us when we missed appointments, so he had stopped by to check on us. My mom must have remembered him since she let him in before I came home. She would never let a stranger inside, but she trusted the doctor," Spencer said, a pained look crossing his face.

"He started telling me about the conversation he had with my mom," Spencer continued, his words spilling out quickly. "I'm not sure how he got her to talk so much, but he knew everything about our situation! How she had been feeling, how long ago my dad left, the financial trouble we were in, how much I was doing around the house. I was shocked. And the more he said, the more scared I got. He was a doctor so he couldn't just ignore our situation! I thought they would take her away from me, put her in a home somewhere and I would go into foster care, ending up God only knows where." He stopped and took a breath, slowing himself down.

"But he surprised me. He said he wanted to help, that he didn't want to see anything happen to me or my mom. I began to have hope that maybe he wouldn't report it and we could stay together in our home. He told me he could continue to visit us at home instead of us having to come into the office for her medications. He then said he could even help us financially, at least enough to cover some of the bills."

"I couldn't believe it, that someone would do something so selfless for us, someone who barely knew us. I should have known better." Spencer stopped. Pressure was pushing on his chest and tears were building up in his eyes. He swallowed hard, trying to keep the emotion at bay while his leg started to bounce with nervous energy.

"Take your time. You don't have to rush through this," JJ said, trying to comfort him.

A moment of distress crossed his face. "If I don't, I won't finish," he said. He tried to breathe deeply to calm himself.

"He said all he wanted in return...was, was to spend some time with me. He..." Spencer shook his head in frustration, struggling to get the words out, and closed his eyes for a second. Clearing his throat, he tried again, "He put his hand on my leg, and I knew...," His breath hitched and an emotional strain was in his voice. "I knew! I knew what he wanted," he said, glancing up at his friends before looking away. He couldn't control his nerves anymore. He stood and started pacing back and forth as he talked, his arms hugging his midsection.

"There were a couple of older kids who bullied me in school. They had tried to force me to do things before. Somehow I always got away before it went too far, though. But they had the same look in their eyes as he did right then."

"After he did that I stood up and scooted away. I didn't want anything to do with him. But he just smiled at me like he already knew he had me." Spencer closed his eyes and could see that smile, sending a chill down his spine. He began to talk faster, the words pouring out of this mouth. "He started to tell me stories of all the horrible things he'd seen in his line of work. He spoke of the kids he worked with who had spent their lives in foster care – all the abuse they'd gone through, the beatings, the rapes. He told me how many of those kids turned to drugs, ran away to live on the streets. He talked about the ones he sent to institutions because they lost their minds and became a threat to themselves or those around them."

Spencer paused as his breath quickened, "He then told me about the state-run facilities my mom could end up in if we were torn apart. He talked about the horrible things that happened in those places, behind locked doors, in the middle of the night. How those people were completely at the mercy of anyone looking to exert their power over someone. He told me that many of them just ended up like zombies, closing off from the world... or they committed suicide."

Tears were starting to run down Spencer's face as he paced more frantically. His voice shook as he rambled on, voicing all the thoughts and emotions he'd held trapped in his mind for years and years. "What could I do? How could I let my mom go to a place like that? I couldn't! She would live a horrible existence and then die there! She didn't deserve that."

"And that was it. He knew he had me. He knew he could always use that threat against me and I would do anything to keep it from happening. So he asked if we had a deal. I couldn't talk, my throat closed up and nothing would come out, so I just nodded my head. I agreed to that!" Spencer closed his eyes and shook his head. "From that day on, he started a routine. He would come over, talk to my mom for a bit and give her something that put her to sleep. After that, he would come into my room…and…and he…" Spencer tried to continue, but sobs began to break through.

Morgan and JJ had been watching Spencer as his anxiety had slowly increased through his story. They wanted to comfort their friend, but were afraid to approach him. However, seeing him begin to lose control of his emotions brought them both to their feet.

Spencer's eyes darted between them as they moved in front of him. "I didn't want it!" he said, pleading with them to understand while slowly backing away. "I swear I didn't! Please believe me! I didn't want to do those things. What could I do? Was there something else I should have done?" He put his head down, with his hands on his head, pulling at his hair. "No, no, no, it's all my fault, isn't it? I let him do those things!"

JJ had tears running down her cheeks listening to the pain in his voice.

Morgan was starting to feel panic of his own, seeing his friend suffering the same doubts and thoughts he had processed through in his own past. "Hey, hey, hey, kid, you didn't have any choice," Morgan said, his hands out in front of him. "And you didn't want it, we believe you! You did what you had to do for your mom. You're a good kid and no one should have ever done that to you. It's their fault those things happened to you, not yours." He tried to make his voice calming as he stared into Spencer's bloodshot eyes. "It's not your fault. It's not."

Spencer was starting to look exhausted as he cried and he swayed a little. Morgan reached out to try and steady him. "Don't touch me," Spencer whispered as he jerked his arm away. He stumbled back into a side table, knocking it over along with everything on top in a loud clatter.

Spencer startled at the noise, which seemed to have snapped him out of his emotional state, though he was still breathing heavily. He stared down at the table for a moment before looking over at JJ and Morgan. He tried blinking the tears out of his eyes as he turned away, his gaze moving back to the table. He kneeled down to set everything back. With unsteady hands, he fumbled with the items scattered on the floor. "I'm sorry," he said, embarrassment evident in his quiet voice. "I didn't mean to act like that."

JJ dropped down to her knees next to him, giving him a teary smile while she helped grab some things. "There is nothing to be sorry for, Spence. What you went through…no one should ever have to go through something like that. And to hold that in all these years," she said, shaking her head, "you needed to let it out. I'm just glad we were here for you to be able to do that."

Spencer looked at her as the tears started to fall again. She scooted over against the wall, then reached over, bringing him towards her, pleased that he let her without pulling away.

...

Morgan watched JJ with Spencer and tried to calm his own emotions, but he just couldn't take it anymore. "Sick bastard," Morgan growled. He slammed his arm into the wall, causing both JJ and Spencer to jump. He turned around and looked at JJ.

"How disgusting does someone have to be to do that? To use their authority and fear to make a little kid do things like that! If I could find that sick..."

"Morgan," JJ cut him off, shaking her head slightly. Spencer still had tears on his cheeks, though he seemed to be quieting down.

Morgan closed his eyes tightly, taking a deep breath while he rubbed his face with his hands. "I'm sorry," he said more calmly, "It's just..."

"I know," JJ agreed, completely understanding what he was feeling.

They were quiet for a while, trying to process everything they just heard from their youngest team member, the baby of their family. Spencer eventually pulled away from JJ and leaned against the wall, fidgeting with his hands.

Morgan was slowly getting his anger back under control and sat on the edge of the couch with a sigh. "Do you know where is he now?" he asked, half hoping he was somewhere near so he could go vent his rage.

Spencer's jaw clenched for a second. "Dead," he said bitterly. "Died a few years ago from a heart attack. Before that he lived the ideal life - good job, nice home, wife, kids...grandkids." He sighed, blinking back angry tears.

He glanced up to meet Morgan's eye briefly before looking away. "Morgan, I want to apologize to you."

"For what?" Morgan asked, confused.

"After we found out what had happened to you when you were younger, I wanted to tell you. I did! I wanted to tell you how I understood, how I had been there, too, and knew how it felt. But I just couldn't do it. I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you like I should have been," Spencer said, voice cracking.

"Hey, Reid," Morgan replied. "There is no one who would understand better than me how hard it is to tell people about things like that. You have absolutely nothing to apologize for. Just because you didn't tell me about your past, doesn't mean you weren't there for me. You gave me all the support I needed," Morgan told him, full of sincerity.

Spencer gave him a shy smile of thanks. "Right after everything that happened with you in Chicago, I started to wonder if I was the only one the doctor had...taken advantage of, and if it was possible that he still was. I decided to track him down. That's when I discovered that he had recently died. If he was still alive, I don't know if I would have had the courage to tell my story or not, just to make sure it didn't happen to anyone else."

"I understand," Morgan sighed. "Unfortunately, for some reason, I was under the illusion that Carl wouldn't do that to any other kids, until it was too late. I don't know why. Maybe you just feel so alone at the time, so different than everyone around you, that you just can't imagine there's anyone else who's been there." He looked sadly over at Spencer. "And you sincerely hope those you care about haven't been there."


	8. Chapter 8

The three friends sat quietly for a while, all lost in their own thoughts about the evening. Eventually Spencer stirred, standing up and excusing himself to the bathroom.

He closed the door and slunk down against the wall, head in his hands, trying to get a grip on all of the emotions storming around in his head. He felt tired, embarrassed and just raw, like an animal stripped of its skin with nothing to protect everything vulnerable inside. He wasn't sure how he was going to be able to look his friends in the eye again after revealing his darkest memories. And a small part of him agonized over having anyone out there with such intimate knowledge of his past.

But it also showed him how important these people had become to him - to be willing to trust them enough to hand them the power of having that knowledge. This night had been a big leap of faith for Spencer, and it gave him some peace to realize he had people in his life, like JJ and Morgan, that he could trust.

After taking a breath and letting it out in a deep sigh, he realized he felt something else, too, something that Morgan had said. _"I almost felt like I'd been holding my breath for all that time, so scared someone would find out. And once I talked about it, I could finally breathe again."_

Spencer now understood what he meant - it did feel like the suffocating band of tension that had been wrapped around his chest for so many years had loosened. Maybe it wasn't completely gone, but it was a little easier to breathe in and out.

...

Neither JJ nor Morgan said anything at first after Spencer escaped to the bathroom. Finally, JJ broke the silence.

"How has he been through so much and yet still be...Spence?" JJ asked quietly, looking at Morgan. He returned a sad, understanding smile. "I mean, he's so smart, compassionate, humble and somehow, pure. How does someone go through all that and still seem so innocent?"

"I don't know, JJ. I just know that we're lucky to have our little 'boy wonder'," Morgan said, using one of Garcia's terms of endearment for him.

"Damn straight!" she agreed wholeheartedly.

"JJ, why don't you go home?" Morgan suggested. "I can stay here with him tonight."

"I don't want to leave him," JJ replied, shaking her head.

"I know, but you should see your kids and get some sleep. You can come back tomorrow," Morgan said. "And he'd probably feel less guilty if only one of us stayed."

"You're probably right," she said with a frown. "Alright, if he seems OK, I will. But expect my call tomorrow morning to see how he's doing and decide on the best time to come over."

"Wouldn't expect anything less," Morgan said with a grin.

They heard the bathroom open down the hall and Spencer slowly made his way back into the living room.

"Hey, how are you doing?" JJ asked, coming up to Spencer.

"I'm doing OK," Spencer replied with a slight nod. The look on JJ's face seemed skeptical, so he tried to reassure her. "Really, JJ, I think tonight helped a lot."

"Alright. Well, Morgan wanted to stay with you tonight. Would you be alright if I headed home?" JJ asked.

"Of course! I'd hate for you to not be there when the kids wake up. And Morgan, you don't have to stay," Spencer said.

"Nice try, kid, but you're not getting rid of me that easily," Morgan chided him.

Spencer gave a slight roll of his eyes then looked at JJ. "Thank you so much for listening to all of that. You don't know how much it means to me to have friends like you."

JJ pulled him into a hug. "Anytime you need me, all you have to do is call or text me. Don't let yourself get to the point of desperation before you do."

"I won't. Thanks, JJ," Spencer said, pulling out of the embrace to let her go.

"I'll call you tomorrow," she said, pointing to both Morgan and Spencer.

"Got it!" Morgan said as she stepped out.

"Seriously, Morgan...," Spencer started to say, but Morgan cut him off.

"Ah, ah, ah...don't even try it. I'm staying tonight and that's it," he said, plopping down on the couch. "Now come sit down here and let's find one of those really interesting documentaries you like so much."

Spencer sighed. "Baring my soul to you doesn't mean you have to humor me by pretending to like documentaries," he said as he settled down next to Morgan on the couch.

"Yea, well I figure it should at least give you control of the remote for the night," Morgan said, passing it over.

"I guess I should take advantage of it while I can," Spencer said, giving him a small smile.

...

A short time later, Morgan was surprised to find himself waking up with a twinge in his neck. It took him a second to realize where he was. He felt a weight against his arm and looked down. He chuckled softly as he saw the genius peacefully asleep, leaning against him. "Guess we'll both be sleeping on the couch tonight!" he sighed and rested his head back.

Suddenly his phone vibrated. He glanced down and saw it was a text from Hotch. "How's Reid?" it asked. Morgan eyes widened in surprise.

As gently as he could, Morgan slipped his arm out from under Spencer and moved off the couch. He went into the kitchen and dialed Hotch.

"Hotchner."

"Hey Hotch, it's Morgan. How'd you know I was with Reid?" Morgan asked curiously.

"You're not the only one who keeps an eye on the 'kid'," Hotch replied with a slight jest in his voice. "I must have pulled up outside his apartment not long after you did. You and JJ were heading inside. Great profilers think alike."

"Ah," Morgan said, with a small smile.

"I figured it would be better if we didn't overcrowd him. So, how's he doing?"

Morgan sighed as he peeked out at the kid sleeping on the sofa. "Better than when we got here for sure. If nothing else, I think he's feeling a little less...burdened."

"Alright," Hotch said. "If he needs some time off, he's got plenty of it, so don't be afraid to suggest that to him."

"You really think I can get him to take time off? Now I can be persuasive, but I'm not a miracle worker," Morgan joked.

"Well, you can at least try if you think he needs it," Hotch said. "Now I have to contact Rossi to give him an update."

"What?"

"He called me earlier tonight, expressing his concerns for Reid's mental state," Hotch replied.

"Everyone's kid brother..." Morgan shook his head.

"Right. And, Morgan, if you think he needs someone there and you need a break, let me know. I'm 10 minutes away," Hotch said, authority creeping into his voice.

"I will," Morgan said sincerely. "Thanks, Hotch."

...

Spencer slowly woke to sunlight streaming through his bedroom window. He enjoyed the quiet for a moment until he was startled by a snore. His eyes shot open as he sat up and looked around, trying to identify its owner. There, sprawled out on his reading chair in the corner of his room was Morgan, sleeping soundly. Spencer fell back on his pillow with a quiet groan as all of yesterday evening's events came tumbling back into his brain, including a dream he had.

Just past two in the morning, Spencer had found himself being woken up from a bad dream on the couch by a very concerned Morgan. He must have sensed that Spencer wasn't in the mood for any more conversation that evening, so he settled for coaxing the genius to head on to bed for the rest of the night. Apparently Morgan hadn't wanted to stray too far. That thought brought a grateful smile to Spencer's face.

He got up and exited the bedroom as quietly as possible and decided the least he could do for his friend was make him some coffee for when he woke up. He would need plenty himself. So he started a pot and headed to the bathroom to take a long shower.

Spencer indulged in the sense of the hot water washing away all of his uncomfortable feelings from last night. As he felt himself become self-conscious again about everything he had revealed, he tried to calm himself with the reminder that these were people he trusted with his life. He should be able to trust them with his secrets, too.

He turned off the shower, dried off and got dressed. After a quick stare back at the eyes surrounded by dark circles in the mirror, he turned off the light and left the bathroom.

...

Morgan apparently had gotten up, as he found him fixing two cups of coffee in the kitchen. Spencer thanked him and sat down at the table while Morgan took a seat across from him.

After taking in Spencer's tired form, Morgan asked, "So do you want to talk about the dream you had last night?"

He could see the reluctance in Spencer's face, and was a little surprised to hear him follow his request. "I was getting groceries out of my car, not really paying attention to anything around me. Suddenly this man comes up to me and starts to try and attack me." Spencer shook his head. "Next thing I knew it turned into something like a live action, learn self-defense video game. I kept fighting him off but I'd get points for each time I made contact with some part of him." He paused as his brow creased. "But it was so hard. Everything hurt and I was so tired that it was draining to keep going. Then all of the sudden he was gone. I'm not sure if I passed or what happened, but then a much bigger man was there like it was the next level and I was supposed to fight him off. And the idea of it was just horrible - I was so exhausted, I couldn't do it," he said in a weary voice. "Next thing I knew you were waking me up on the couch."

"Sounds like a pretty rough dream," Morgan sympathized. "So, what do you think it means?"

"Traditionally in dream interpretation practices, to dream of fighting represents conflict and confrontation - some kind of inner turmoil dealing with difficult emotions or life situations. As for being attacked, that can indicate you are repressing, in conflict with, or frightened of your own emotions," Spencer reported.

"I could see some of that fitting after last night," Morgan said. "Maybe the men attacking you represent the challenges you have faced in your life. And even though it took everything you had, you faced each one and survived. But for each hurdle you jumped, a bigger challenge was always ahead. And the thought of facing yet another one is almost overwhelming."

"Huh," Spencer said, mulling over Morgan's interpretation in his head. "That's an interesting way to think of it."

"I may not be a genius, but I have my moments," Morgan said lightly.

They both drank their coffee quietly for a while before Morgan broke the silence. "I was wondering about something, but you don't have to talk more about it if you don't want to." Spencer looked up at Morgan. "How long did it go on for, with the doctor?"

Spencer dropped his gaze. "Until I was 18." Morgan closed his eyes, shaking his head. "By then I was of legal age and had saved up enough to start my mom at Bennington. I sold the house and moved to an apartment. I just couldn't live there anymore, not after everything," he said. "I still think I should have made a different choice. That it was selfish of me to dump her in a home just to get away."

Morgan hated to see Spencer beating himself up. "First of all, I never want to hear you call yourself selfish again," Morgan told him passionately. "I don't know anyone who sacrificed more for a parent than you did all those years. Secondly, you made the best decision. Not just for you, but for your mom, too. You put her in the best possible place to take care of her needs."

Spencer sighed. "Deep down I know that...here," he said, pointing to his head. "But here," he continued with a lopsided smile, pointing to his heart, "I'm having a harder time accepting that logic."

"You did the right thing. And she knows it, too, even if she can't always communicate that with you." Spencer nodded, feeling a little more at peace with it.

"Before I forget, Garcia called while you were in the shower. She said she misses her junior G-man and is insisting you go out with us tonight," Morgan told him. Spencer let out a groan. "And she said if you don't join us, she is never letting you have one of her cookies again."

"Oh wow, she really knows where to hurt a man," Spencer said, pretending to be in pain as he rubbed his stomach. He considered the invitation for a moment. "OK, you can tell her that her evil threat of blackmail worked. I'll go. But I'm not staying out all night."

"Alright, that's my boy! You will not regret it," Morgan said as he texted Garcia the good news.

After a moment, Spencer spoke up, "Hey Morgan?"

"What's up?" Morgan asked, looking across the table.

"Thanks for last night," Spencer said in a voice full of sincerity.

Morgan gave a wide grin. "Anytime, kid!" And to his delight, Spencer returned the smile.

 _"The strong bond of friendship is not always a balanced equation; friendship is not always about giving and taking in equal shares. Instead friendship is grounded in a feeling that you know exactly who will be there for you when you need something, no matter what or when."_ \- Simon Sinek

...

 _ **And that's all she wrote. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this and a special thank you to all who submitted reviews! Any feedback is always welcome! Best wishes - Jr4219**_


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